Posting this for Amanda. Surgery went well and she's resting at home now she goes back to the doctor tomorrow to remove the patch and check vision.
from Seth.

I am having eye surgery in the morning so probably no updates for a few days although I don't know for sure. I can probably have somebody type for me to give an update. Unlike every other surgery I have had before this is actually a good one as its the first step to hoping getting rid of needing glasses and contacts. Which will make my life easier. I am pretty scared I have to admit. But its a very short procedure, apparently less than half an hour in the operating room and I will be able to come home the same day.

A quick post, pictures to come later.

I went to garden centre today. Among the highlights:

1. Visiting the rescued parrot who lives in the store. He was quite talkative today--which was a bonus as that never seems to be the case whenever I am there (which is almost never...I think my last trip there was about 5 years ago). My 2 and half year old nephew came and was enthralled by the parrot.

2. Finding a tiny tiny pineapple tree that I can keep in the house! You will have to forgive me if you are a gardening person and have seen these before and think I am being a geek for overreacting. But I have never seen such things before and I am completely amazed. I bought it on impulse (it was stupidly expensive) and we will see how it grows in the pineapple mecca of Calgary.

3. I found new catnip toys for my cats in the shapes of smurfs!

Nicky's Day...

8:00 am



noon


6:00 pm


I am not really in a position to judge...my paper progress still stands at 0%.

Procrastinating

My task for today was to write an annotated bibliography for a paper that is due next month. Time spent on this so far over the past few days: roughly 10 hours. Actual progress so far: 0%.

I have no topic or thesis statement thus really have nowhere to start from. This is not good :(

Motherly Love

My mom has been away on a trip for the past 7 or 8 days. I have lost count. She went to a spa in Nevada, or something like that. Somewhere hot is all I know. I haven't heard from her since day one of her trip when she was somewhere in Idaho and the hotel had free internet. The opening line from the email she sent last night when she decided to re-establish contact with me (again somewhere in Idaho, this time on her way home):


"Sorry I haven't been in touch but you know how it goes the sun will win every time"

I feel so loved.

lol

I think we are going to miss Spring this year. From this afternoon as I went to Mount Royal for a latte with a friend after scrapping plans to visit the Inglewood Bird Sanctuary. It was as gloomy out as the picture looks.

I had tentative plans today to visit a bird sanctuary. I wasn't really all that eager to go intitially I admit. But I promised somebody I would come and felt I should make an effort. However these plans were made before the big snow storm this weekend. It was supposed to warm up today but so far it's still miserable outside. No snow since Sunday but the sky is gray with no signs of sun (again) and the temperature is below freezing So the trip will likely be cancelled unless the weather turns around in a big way very quickly. And that very often is the case in Calgary so I might still make it.

At 2 am last night and unable to sleep I came across a movie on TV that I never heard of before called A Thousand Clowns. Kind of an oddball "a nonconformist against the system--cute kid and unlikely love interest as part of the package" movie that bordered on annoyance at times. But I think one of the best movies I have seen in a very long time. Also one of those movies that makes me wish I had been around in the 1960s. I don't really know why I have that urge sometimes, but life in the 60s, at least in many movies, seems much more interesting than today.

On Friday on the way to test the new power chair (more on that fiasco later) we stopped at Starbucks and had a latte outside on the patio. This is my favorite Starbucks but its so tiny that I can't fit inside so can only go there when it's nice enough outside to sit on the patio. This was around noon. Blue sky, sun, plus 13 temperature. People giddy in shorts and t-shirts (yes it is a bit early for that but its been a longer and colder winter than usual so I think Calgarians are going a bit crazy with embracing any hint of nice weather we get). My dad loudly proclaimed "Spring is here." Ah, hubris....

9 am Saturday morning: grey overcast sky, no sign of the sun anywhere, and 7 inches of miserable, blowing snow. Sigh.

The good news is its not really that cold so hopefully it will all be gone in a few days. This has me down as I thought I might try to get out again today as yesterday's outing did me good--at least the Starbucks portion of it.

It's a little stupid but I put my Twitter feed on the blog. So now people can follow the mundane details of my day to day life at a whole different level. Actually I haven't really gotten that much into Twitter yet. More just tried it out of curiousity and follow the adventures of people with more interesting lives than my own.

My favorite Twitter feed to follow so far is JulieCavie--a guniea pig living in Vancouver. I expect the novelty of it will wear off eventually but for now Julie's complaints that she is not getting enough guniea treats and is moody or explaining how her hair sometimes stands up like a lion's mane is far more entertaining than perhaps it should be. Or maybe I just amuse too easily.

Today I am going to test drive a new powerchair. I done't know why but the prospect of doing so is profoundly depressing.

I had an appointment at the bank this morning. It didn't go well. I had a number of things I had to get done and it required meeting with one of the bank's so-called "personal bankers."

By now I am used to people I don't know, and even many people I do know, being unnerved by my presence. But the person I met with today was probably one of the most obviously uncomfortable people I have had to deal with in the last three years. I am used to people avoiding eye contact, of addressing whoever I am with instead of me, of taking down to me as if I am incapable of understanding. It comes in different degrees of severity, of course. It doesn't make me angry when it happens, more just sad and confused. But what it boils down to, I realized today, is that most people react to me the way they do out of a basic primeval fear; people have a natural aversion to the fact that I lack the one thing essential for life: breathing. I used to think of it more in terms of people being afraid I would stop breathing in front of them. But it goes beyond that. I think it's not just that people are uncomfortable with me. I think many are actually repulsed.

Not to turn this into a big pity post. It's not meant to be. More it's just me coming to an understanding. I am not saying people are repulsed by me as a person. And I certainly don't think it's a conscious thing. I am convinced that most people don't realize how obviously uncomfortable they are around me. But I think if I asked even some of the people I am closest to, they would say they wouldn't live this way.

When I was in high school I had a summer job one year working for a house painter. Out of all the jobs we did that summer, the memory of one dominates all others. We were painting the home of a class mate of mine. He and his mother were on visiting family in Singapore and his father was having the house painted as a surprise for when they got home. It was a very big job and we were there daily for several weeks. The father left for work usually around the time we arrived everyday. The last thing he would do before leaving was to put the family's pet dog into a custom cage in the back yard. The cage was quite large, basically running nearly the length of the yard and had a shaded area. He always had lots of food and water.Certainly a better choice than locking him up in a tiny kennel in the house all day. But the thing that bothered me was the cage wasn't very high, maybe 2 and a half feet if that. The dog--his name was Buddy--would spend the entire day jumping up and down bashing his head against the top of the cage. Or at least until he tired himself out. He would start as soon as the father left and continue to the point of exhaustion. Then, after a period of rest usually lasting about a half hour, he would resume. He never barked or cried. Just continually bounced up and down, smashing his head on the cage. How he didn't injury himself is a myself to me. According to the neighbour's kids who would occasionally come over to stuff dog treats in the cage, the dog had been doing this for years.

The point of this story? I very often think about Buddy because that is how I feel nearly every minute of every day: caged with no way out. People ask me "how are you doing?" I almost always reply "fine." But I'm not. I hate this existance. None of this is revelatory. The person at the bank didn't make me feel this way. Part of me is down because I am not feeling overly positive about people in general these days. Nor am I convinced anymore that there is "a place" for me. Or that trying to stay connected to the world via the internet is a very positive thing. My world grows increasingly smaller day by day it feels. Eventually I think there will be nothing of it left.

I am not entirely sure yet, but I don't know that I am going to continue with this new blog. Maybe it was better just to leave things with the demise of the old one.

A Sign I am Watching Too Much TV

I am now addicted to Ice Road Truckers. It comes on right after Deadliest Catch so I don't even have to change the channel. Also, both shows are making me want to live up in the North. Except that if I moan about the snow and cold in Calgary (and we don't really get all that much of either in the winter, relatively speaking, due to the effect of chinook winds), it's unlikely I would last long in a place like Dutch Harbour. Still the notion of the isolation up there really appeals to me.

Seriously, it might be time for a TV addict support group.

A 2 minute review of Season One of Ice Road Truckers...which I just finished watching on DVD. Season 2 just recently started on the History channel.


As if this isn't enough of an embarassing admission, I am also reading (and enjoying) the Twilight books. The prospect of watching the movie when it comes out on DVD in 2 weeks is the first thing that has gotten me feeling excited and happy in months.

Nothing better on a freezing day than a popsicle...

It's evening and I am feeling a little better, although not much. It gets tiring trying to pretend to be happy. Right now I am just in a place where I don't want anything except for the world to stop. Whatever that means. I have just felt so disconnected from everything and everybody for a long time. And that feeling just seems to be getting more pronounced. I realize that the emotional disconnect is tied into the physical disconnect from the world I have. But I don't know how to bridge the gap.



Another song that has been in my head a lot lately for some reason. Slightly happier than the one I posted this morning.

I am close to saying "fuck it"

I have had enough. This isn't a life

Blog Housework

I am trying to get rid of the word verification thing. I hate them when I come across them on websites and hope I can disable it on here. Some people emailed saying they still can't post comments without a Google account. Yes you can :) You just need to go to where it says "choose profile" in the comments box and pick either the anonymous or name/URL option. Both of those will allow you to comment without an account.

But since coming back here, I am now remembering why I ditched Blogger for Wordpress. I am contemplating changing again.

I woke up with this song on my mind

Night Out

I went out for the first time in a long time last night. To see a play. Hamlet with a twist: the entire cast was female. I was very ambivilent about going and when the cold weather forced the cancelation of the outing, I was not all that upset. Then I found out the ticket's would be honoured for upcoming shows. So I grudgingly got talked into going.

It was actually very good. Calgary has a vibrant theatre scene with a number of small and unique theatre companies as well as a very good drama programs at both the University and Mount Royal College. There is usually something interesting playing somewhere. But I never go anymore. Like most other things, its too much of an effort, is stressful on everybody involved in the outing, and just not usually not that much fun for me. So I have basically curtailed going out and doing things like this anymore.

But I am glad I went to see this play. The all female cast gave it a very interesting interpretation. I have seen about 6 different incarnations of theatrical productions of Hamlet now. This one ranks among the very best At first I thought the all female cast would be a novelty and a distraction. But that proved not to be true mostly because the cast were all very talented. It's a difficult play to pull off and they did a great job.

Prior to going to see the play I was involved in a rather bizarre online chat session that included a male theatre major who was completely appalled at the idea of an all female cast. He kept repeating "it's just wrong, it's just wrong." When I pressed him as to what was so "wrong" about it, he just blew smoke and said it devalued the playwright's intent. My theory though is that Shakespeare's plays have survived this long and are still so popular exactly because of productions like this, that re-imagine and reconfigure the plays so that they mean something. The audience was engaged and interested. I am not a theatre expert but I can't think of many other 400+ year old plays that still resonate with modern theatre goers and are still regularly performed everywhere from junior high classrooms to The famous Globe Theatre in London.

Shakespeare's Titus is playing in June. I may have to go.

It got up to -10 today. Progress. It's also light now until almost 7:30 pm. Which is nice.

The upper respiratory/flu bug that has made my life miserable since January is back. It seems to go away and I start to feel better for a few days, only to have it spring out of wherever it was hiding and wallop me again.

I tried to reply to the comments left on the earlier posts. But for some reason it won't let me when I am logged in as myself. I need to look into why. Then I will reply. I may have made a mistake going with Blogger. Maybe I need to break down and go with paid blog software that will give me more control. If I find the energy I may do that. For now though this will have to do.

I heard this song on the radio today and for some reason it resonated with me. I have heard it many many times before but never really listened to how lovely and haunting it is. And sad. I think I need to listen to more Gordon Lightfoot.

Spring soon?

Current temperature: -25.6 celcius. It is supposed to be a balmy plus 2 on Thursday. I will believe it when I see it.

Comments Fixed

I fixed the problem with comments--you can now leave comments on the blog without needing a Google account. Yay!

I forgot to mention in some of the emails and messages I sent out 'advertising' my new blog that my new email address is brokenjigsawpuzzle@gmail.com

New Blog

The old blog ended unexpectedly and unceremoniously for which I apologize. But maybe that's not a bad thing. New blog, new outlook, new start. Hopefully.

I have been doing a lot of writing, something I stopped doing for a long time because it felt like there was nothing to say. I will be posting some of it on here and hopefully writing some more that will make this blog interactive between me and those who read it. That's what I would like to do, I just haven't figured out quite how to do that yet.