sorry I am way far behind again on replying to comments left on here and emails and even phone calls. Just a crazy couple of weeks. Like riding a roller coaster drunk or something. I am doing okay. Good and bad days but doing okay. I hope everybody is doing okay too.

I made it to Vancouver in one piece. It's far from easy or routine but there were not major disasters before, during, or after the flight itself. I still really hate flying but I guess I am becoming a pro by now. Not really but this time things went as good as could be hoped for.

The flight was less than an hour but we got to the hotel very late. With the exception of a few weeks in August and the beginning of this month, I have been on the road since the end of June. I will be happy when its over and I can just be home for some time without thinking ahead to travelling, which while I am greatful I can do it, is exhausting and stressful.

I slept last night. No Wikipedia or Farmville.

I ate Lucky Charms for breakfast. For the first time since I was probably 10 years old. It made me smile. It's a very happy cereal.

Off to Vancouver today for the next 3 weeks. I hate flying :(

today's thoughts

I wish it wasn't so hard at times to find the necessary day to day motivation. Ebb and flow, I suppose.

There seems to be a fine line for me between laziness and depression when it comes to be motivated. Maybe its also somewhat of a self-esteem or confidence issue. I don't know.

I was really hurt this week after making an effort, following something of a absence on my part, to reach out to somebody I care about. I wasn't so much rejected as left unacknowledged. Which I think felt worse. But then I considered the reaction possibly had nothing to do with me; something was going on in their life at the moment that led to the response I did receive. This theory didn't take away the sting but did leave me trying to convince myself that it really didn't matter because in the grand scheme of things, this person probably didn't realize how much it hurt me.

Self-delusion really is a safety preserver, isn't it?

I couldn't sleep last night. Much like my days, I wasted the awake night doing nothing productive even though I actually have a lot of things I need to get done.

But instead of doing them, or sleeping, I spent part of the night randomly reading Wikipedia articles. Among the things I learned about last night:

1. H-Dagen: which was the day (September 3, 1967) that Sweden switched from driving on the left side of the road to the right. The process of how this shift was handled was honestly fascinating to me in the middle of the night lol.

2. From there I followed a link to an article about the introduction of standardized EU traffic signs and why this has been frought with opposition in some local jurisdiction.

3. Had all my questions about marshmellows answered

4. Back to my traffic theme, I read about speed limits

5. A link from the speed limit. article launched me to one about Isle of Man. I think I would like to visit there one day.

6. I took a break to harvest crops in my farmville game, after a year long banning of myself from facebook I joined again just so I could play this game. I also find myself addicted to Mafia Wars but didn't play that last night.

7. I read an email from my sister and looked at some pictures she sent of her kids' messy bedrooms. No pictures of the kids, just their rooms lol.Her tone in the email was one of outrage.

8. Back to wikipedia to find out if Canadians have always driven on the right. Answer; no. Until the mid 1920s, some provinces drove on the left, others on the right. Then the fedreal government mandated everybody must drive on the right. However in Newfoundland they continued to drive on the left until 1949. There was a confusing paragraph that said on one freeway in Montreal traffic does drive on the left hand side of the road. But the wording was very convulted and awkward. So tonight I will have to research this road and find out if that really is the case.

9. Had a break to watch an old episode of the Rocky and Bullwinkle show on the Teletoon Retro channel. At some point during that half hour, I finally fell asleep.

So that was my night. I learned a lot.

I just got back from my second movie in as many days. I am a social butterfly lol. Well I am zero for two as The Time Traveller's Wife was not much better than Naked Basterds. It was not terrible, maybe 6 out 10. I was even able to suspend belief and sort of buy the premise of the time travelling. But the ending...spoiler alert, don't read further if you want to see the movie or read the book without me blabbing the ending to you...

So when he travels in time, the time traveller always arrives at his destination naked because he can't bring the clothes he was wearing with him. But at the end he gets shot when he is time travelling he manages to take the bullet with him to his next destination and dies there. How is this possible? Why is it he can't take clothes but he can take the bullet with him. And since he was shot in the future, how can he go back and then die of that wound in the past?

This bothers me and ruined the whole movie for me. If anybody has seen it, please share your thoughts on it and tell me if the ending didn't seem to follow logic (however unlogical the logic) that the movie had sort of been successfully building. Also if anybody has read the book (which I have but am undecided if I want to read it now), is it better than the movie?

Such important things to concern myself with lol.

I just got back from Inglorious Basterds. This was the default choice as one person I was with wanted to see Final Destination. The other wanted to see The Time Traveller's Wife and I wanted to see Harry Potter. None of those movies were starting close to the time we got to the theatre, so Inglorious Basterds it was.

It was terrible and not even the good terrible when a movie is so bad it is good.

But it was a night out with friends and that is always nice. I had to be guilted into coming out and pretty much drug out of the front door. But I am glad I went.

today

today

We had very nice weather for part of the long weekend but its nasty today. Overcast, windy, cold.

I went to Starbucks for a bit but it was too cold on the patio to stay long. Unfortunately my favorite Starbucks is also among the smallest one in Calgary. I don't exactly "fit" well inside the narrow, L shaped store. So I just came home once it got very windy. But before I left I got to watch a dog obedience class running drills on the sidewalk in front of me. There is a very high end dog supplies/pampering store across the street and they run the classes. It was a puppy class and I am guessing this must have been day one because chaos reigned. From the little bit I saw, some of the people have their work cut out for them. I wish I had a dog. I love my cats but I really want a dog.

I have been staying out in Bragg Creek at my parents' house. We came in the city today so my mom could help out my sister in law with a few things as my brother is away on a business trip. We went out to the park for a bit before dropping the boys and my dad off at the leisure centre. We will see how high his blood pressure is when they get back. He is not a big fan of the water. But both boys have been in swimming lessons this summer and at even though the little one is not quite two yet, he loves the water. I had one of those moments when I really wanted to go with them and almost wanted to cry because I couldn't. Those moments are a lot less than they used to be. But when they hit, they hurt a lot.

The cat rescue society brought by traps but so far no luck. I think the kittens are too smart.

I am getting ready to leave for Vancouver again. Not so thrilled about travelling again and this time I am flying. But I suppose it will be fine. By the time I get back I should be able to move into my condo (again). So looking forward to that. So far things have been mostly civil and we have even had some fun movie nights and the like but I think for my sake and my parents' sake, it's better that we all don't live together.

Oh and about the robot, apparently it is not really life sized (he exaggerated) but yes my brother bought a robot. They have been away for the past week so I haven't seen it yet. But my mom has. She just shook her head when I asked her about it. lol I can't wait to see it. Pictures to follow when I do.

We had very nice weather for part of the long weekend but its nasty today. Overcast, windy, cold.

I went to Starbucks for a bit but it was too cold on the patio to stay long. Unfortunately my favorite Starbucks is also among the smallest one in Calgary. I don't exactly "fit" well inside the narrow, L shaped store. So I just came home once it got very windy. But before I left I got to watch a dog obedience class running drills on the sidewalk in front of me. There is a very high end dog supplies/pampering store across the street and they run the classes. It was a puppy class and I am guessing this must have been day one because chaos reigned. From the little bit I saw, some of the people have their work cut out for them. I wish I had a dog. I love my cats but I really want a dog.

I have been staying out in Bragg Creek at my parents' house. We came in the city today so my mom could help out my sister in law with a few things as my brother is away on a business trip. We went out to the park for a bit before dropping the boys and my dad off at the leisure centre. We will see how high his blood pressure is when they get back. He is not a big fan of the water. But both boys have been in swimming lessons this summer and at even though the little one is not quite two yet, he loves the water. I had one of those moments when I really wanted to go with them and almost wanted to cry because I couldn't. Those moments are a lot less than they used to be. But when they hit, they hurt a lot.

The cat rescue society brought by traps but so far no luck. I think the kittens are too smart.

I am getting ready to leave for Vancouver again. Not so thrilled about travelling again and this time I am flying. But I suppose it will be fine. By the time I get back I should be able to move into my condo (again). So looking forward to that. So far things have been mostly civil and we have even had some fun movie nights and the like but I think for my sake and my parents' sake, it's better that we all don't live together.

Oh and about the robot, apparently it is not really life sized (he exaggerated) but yes my brother bought a robot. They have been away for the past week so I haven't seen it yet. But my mom has. She just shook her head when I asked her about it. lol I can't wait to see it. Pictures to follow when I do.

We had very nice weather for part of the long weekend but its nasty today. Overcast, windy, cold.

I went to Starbucks for a bit but it was too cold on the patio to stay long. Unfortunately my favorite Starbucks is also among the smallest one in Calgary. I don't exactly "fit" well inside the narrow, L shaped store. So I just came home once it got very windy. But before I left I got to watch a dog obedience class running drills on the sidewalk in front of me. There is a very high end dog supplies/pampering store across the street and they run the classes. It was a puppy class and I am guessing this must have been day one because chaos reigned. From the little bit I saw, some of the people have their work cut out for them. I wish I had a dog. I love my cats but I really want a dog.

I have been staying out in Bragg Creek at my parents' house. We came in the city today so my mom could help out my sister in law with a few things as my brother is away on a business trip. We went out to the park for a bit before dropping the boys and my dad off at the leisure centre. We will see how high his blood pressure is when they get back. He is not a big fan of the water. But both boys have been in swimming lessons this summer and at even though the little one is not quite two yet, he loves the water. I had one of those moments when I really wanted to go with them and almost wanted to cry because I couldn't. Those moments are a lot less than they used to be. But when they hit, they hurt a lot.

The cat rescue society brought by traps but so far no luck. I think the kittens are too smart.

I am getting ready to leave for Vancouver again. Not so thrilled about travelling again and this time I am flying. But I suppose it will be fine. By the time I get back I should be able to move into my condo (again). So looking forward to that. So far things have been mostly civil and we have even had some fun movie nights and the like but I think for my sake and my parents' sake, it's better that we all don't live together.

Oh and about the robot, apparently it is not really life sized (he exaggerated) but yes my brother bought a robot. They have been away for the past week so I haven't seen it yet. But my mom has. She just shook her head when I asked her about it. lol I can't wait to see it. Pictures to follow when I do.

I started school on Thursday. I am at a bit of loose ends academically because I don't have any idea what I want to do. Last year at this time I was sure I wanted to do a MA connected to writing, creative or otherwise. Then I fell in love with my art history course in the spring and wondered about pursuing more courses in that field. But the truth is I just don't know what I want to do and that is a problem. Not a problrm worthy of complaining of. But I guess my point is I am finding it hard to be focused or motivated when I have no clear goal in sight. Or even in mind. I learned from initially auditing my course in the spring that I don't do well if there are no expectations on me or no tangible end goal such as a grade. So for now I am reconsidering my initial course choices and thinking what it is I want to get from going back to school.

I have a friend currently studying for the LSAT. She tells me I should think about it. My first thought was to laugh. My second thought was would it hurt to do a practice test just to see how I do at this point in my life? I might take up her offer to do a test from her study kit.

Other than that its been a wasted week. I aqm spinning my wheels (poor choice of a metaphor) more right now than I have at any point in the past 3.5 plus years. I do nothing all day and when something comes up to do, laziness or depression or anxiety causes me to stick my head in the sand in avoidance. I am frustrated but don't have the desire or energy it seems to do anything about the fact that my life is slipping by one day at a time while I sit and wish things were different.

Feeling hopeless really is hard to pull out of.

I can't edit my last post. I wanted to add this line:

I wonder why it is some regrets seem so hard to let go of?

Although I am not sure knowing why would help to let go. Just thinking out loud as my weekly crisis hits a crescendo.

I read a quote one time by somebody I don't remember. It said that regret is a useless emotion. I think I agree. I spend far too much energy thinking of all the regrets in my life. But useless or not, I also find regret is impossible to let go. For me anyways.

I am supposed to start school tomorrow, leave for Vancouver for a few weeks shortly thereafter, and on top of that I am trying to rescue some kittens dumped on my parents' property.

I am so tired.

I am supposed to start school tomorrow, leave for Vancouver for a few weeks shortly thereafter, and on top of that I am trying to rescue some kittens dumped on my parents' property.

I am so tired.