I started school on Thursday. I am at a bit of loose ends academically because I don't have any idea what I want to do. Last year at this time I was sure I wanted to do a MA connected to writing, creative or otherwise. Then I fell in love with my art history course in the spring and wondered about pursuing more courses in that field. But the truth is I just don't know what I want to do and that is a problem. Not a problrm worthy of complaining of. But I guess my point is I am finding it hard to be focused or motivated when I have no clear goal in sight. Or even in mind. I learned from initially auditing my course in the spring that I don't do well if there are no expectations on me or no tangible end goal such as a grade. So for now I am reconsidering my initial course choices and thinking what it is I want to get from going back to school.

I have a friend currently studying for the LSAT. She tells me I should think about it. My first thought was to laugh. My second thought was would it hurt to do a practice test just to see how I do at this point in my life? I might take up her offer to do a test from her study kit.

Other than that its been a wasted week. I aqm spinning my wheels (poor choice of a metaphor) more right now than I have at any point in the past 3.5 plus years. I do nothing all day and when something comes up to do, laziness or depression or anxiety causes me to stick my head in the sand in avoidance. I am frustrated but don't have the desire or energy it seems to do anything about the fact that my life is slipping by one day at a time while I sit and wish things were different.

Feeling hopeless really is hard to pull out of.

I can't edit my last post. I wanted to add this line:

I wonder why it is some regrets seem so hard to let go of?

Although I am not sure knowing why would help to let go. Just thinking out loud as my weekly crisis hits a crescendo.

I read a quote one time by somebody I don't remember. It said that regret is a useless emotion. I think I agree. I spend far too much energy thinking of all the regrets in my life. But useless or not, I also find regret is impossible to let go. For me anyways.